Saturday, November 13, 2010

TSA begins random waterboarding

The U.S. Transportation Security Administration today announced random waterboarding of passengers at the Las Vegas International Airport. The stricter scrutiny was a result of a rash of called-in bomb threats recently in Las Vegas.

Thad Tacker, regional director of TSA for the Western U.S., said "we need to make certain as best we can that no one getting on our planes is a terrorist, or a phone-in terrorist."

Approximately every 100th passenger is randomly selected for the waterboarding procedure, which can take over an hour. Selectees who miss their flight are provided a ticket to the next flight to their destination, and an "I've already been waterboarded" voucher.

Theresa Falls of Henpeck, Wyoming was one of the first passengers waterboarded. "It was so horrible, I thought I was dying!" said Falls. "I confessed to probably everything I've done wrong in my life, but still they kept accusing me of making phone threats." The ordeal lasted 25 minutes before TSA officials let her go with a warning that her confessions were on video. "What will they do with that video now? Why do they need to keep my confession? I'll never fly again," she said.

In its history TSA has never caught an actual terrorist. "But," says directory Tacker, "we are confident this new procedure will garner the best results yet."


Jeff Jacobsen said...

This is a parody, btw.

mirele said...

Hey Jeff. You're giving the TSA ideas!

Anonymous said...

Nice one! ;)